Cruel
by Scarlet flute
Summary: Every thought is a battle. Every breath is a war and I think I am not winning anymore. How far before I fall apart?


**_Disclaimer_** _: Naruto and its characters belong to its rightful owner._

* * *

 **AN** : The reason I wrote this story is simply to create some awareness. Bullying is not cool. I wrote a fiction and shared that I don't find a canon pairing working for me. I got some really harsh messages and it wasn't pleasant but I got over it. I saw a video on youtube about cyber bullying and I realized that not everyone can take what people tell them.

All I want to say is, if you don't like something; it doesn't give you the right to say stuff like- go die or you are a virginal fucker or you would do the world a favor by killing yourself. Words hurt. Stop spreading hate. You won't get anything by hurting people. When people share something or write something… they put a part of their soul into it. Don't just go ahead and step on it. There is a difference between constructive criticism and plain cruel. Look in the mirror for a minute and think if you want to be responsible for someone's tears

xXx

* * *

 **Cruel**

I heard them the first time they called me a loser so I couldn't fathom the need to repeat it every single day of the year. I was a loser. I got it. I understood it. They didn't like me. They hated me, despised my very existence…

I got it!

So, stop with the name calling. Just stop!

Why won't they stop? What is my fault? I never did anything to them. I didn't even know them. Then, why? Why?

Is it because I am new? Is it because I am ugly? Is it because I don't look like them or act all mean to others? Is it because I don't like what they like? Is it because of who I am? What the fuck is the damn reason I am ridiculed each day just for being born? What the fuck is my fault?

As I sit here, pouring my heartfelt pain onto a blank piece of paper, I try to hold back my tears from dampening it. My resolve weakened as I am hit by another wave of nausea and my tears end up smudging the ink anyway. And I wonder why I even make the effort to fight? What's the point? I always lose.

In the end, I am nothing but a loser.

Just like they say.

xXx

* * *

They found a new name for me. Apparently I am not just a loser now. I have been promoted to a new position on the Konoha high loser board. Meet Mr. Good-for-nothing bag of shit.

They have gotten creative. Haven't they? They even took the initiative to provide me with a last name. How utterly mortifying is that?

I walked into the school grounds; my head hung low like always, my eyes darting frantically to my surroundings, keeping a lookout. There were whispers wherever I went. Not that it's a new thing. I am fairly used to the rude gestures, the jeers, the catcalls. What's new was the cleanliness of my locker. For the first time in my time at Konoha high, I dared to lift my eyes, stunned at what I saw. The metallic surface was clean; all the graffiti removed. With slightly trembling fingers, I opened it and yet there was nothing. No insults. Nothing.

With a slightly hopeful heart, I went through the whole day.

It was all good. And I was happy. It wasn't in abundance but the feeling was there and it was enough. It was okay.

I let my guard down. How easy it felt; how foolish it was.

I never learn. Never.

A week more and still nothing happened. Hope grew and I felt safe. I let the feeling creep into my bones, warming my insides, making me snug and joyous. And I loved it. I adored it.

But then, the glass shattered; the shards embedding onto my skin; cutting into my veins, bleeding me to death.

My apartment. My shabby home. My sanctuary ruined with paint, mud, disgusting messages and horrifying images. I broke down immediately as they stood over me in their expensive clothes calling me worthless and a waste of space. Their voice is ringing in my ears, reminding me of their inhumanity and of my weakness.

 _'_ _Fucking piece of shit!'_

 _'_ _Why don't you go die? You'll be doing all of us a huge favor.'_

 _'_ _Look at him crying. That's so gay!'_

 _'_ _Dig a ditch and die!'_

I covered my ears to drown out their noise. It did. I shut my eyes to block out their faces. It did. But the emotional harm that I received, I am unable to undo it. I laid on the street whimpering, long after they had left, wishing for a miracle.

I didn't get it.

xXx

* * *

Some days, I wonder how my parents would feel about me had they been alive. Would they have been proud? I guess not. Who would be proud of having a weak idiot like me for a son?

I barely remember my parents. All I can recall is bright red hair and a brilliant grin with gleaming blue eyes. Those were the eyes of a warrior, a believer, a hero. Nothing like mine. I have accepted this fact long ago that my eyes are dead. Whoever said that eyes are the windows to a soul, I wonder if they could tell the color of my soul through my eyes. I bet they will be disgusted by someone so dark and empty.

Iruka Sensei asked to see me today.

I don't understand that man. He is always worried about me. What is it to him what becomes of me? He calls for me once every month and asks me all sorts of questions. I answer him truthfully and he pulls me into an embrace whispering encouraging words against my hair. Does he think he is helping me? On the contrary, I am called a teacher's whore just because of his mother-hen tendencies.

I tell him so and he smiles grimly, patting my head.

I scoff. He doesn't need to do this. I understand what's going on. He is just trying to do some damage control but then shouldn't he try from the other end of the stick? If he really did care, he would have stopped them from hurting me.

But just like me, he is nothing else but a pawn. A nobody in a sea of people who think they are equivalent of God, that they are superior enough to pass their crooked judgments and torment those they feel are fit to be tormented.

I feel sick.

I feel tired. I wonder when sleep would come.

I see the ticking hands of a clock and I drift in and out of a live nightmare that is my life.

A fucking cruel nightmare.

xXx

* * *

I stopped trying to retaliate a long time ago.

I stopped feeling physical blows a few weeks after that.

The mental turmoil, though, I could never barricade it. After getting beat in an alley by a bunch of guys who felt like showing their manliness by punching a much smaller being, I don't feel a thing. I take it. I bleed. I wipe it off. I get a fracture or two. I bear it. They blacken my eye. I don't care. I walk away, dragging my exhausted self back to my apartment with my lips pursed into a thin line to prevent even a slight groan from releasing.

I don't cry now. I don't see the need.

But when I am in my bed; alone, the silence walks up to me and slaps the magnitude of emotional pain onto my entire body and I can't do anything about it. I _just_ can't. It's too strong.

So I let it fuck me over and over again.

I toss and turn in my sleep, muffling my pleads into the pillow and pulling my hair out as I try to gain some… any sort of control and failing miserably.

It is fucking unbearable.

It hurts.

Hurts so much.

Finally, I find a semblance of sleep.

xXx

* * *

A strange thing occurred today.

A girl asked to be my friend.

She is new to the school. That's why.

She is the cousin of Hyuga Neji - the school's basketball team captain. Her name is Hyuga Hinata. It won't take long for her to figure out that I am at the bottom of the food chain; worse than filth in a dustbin.

But it had felt nice.

It had been so long since anyone had asked my hand for friendship. So long…

She came to me, hesitant and quiet in her approach, her slim fingers fiddling with her oversized jacket as she stumbled over her words.

 _"_ _Wo-ould y-y-you lik-ke to b-be m-my fr-r-rie-nd, Naruto-kun?"_

Her entire face was deep red. When I met her lilac eyes, I saw only sincerity and hope. My throat clenched audibly at her naivety. I wanted to refuse desperately but I found myself nodding a little. Her face brightened before she ran off as if she had seen a ghost and I wondered if somehow she had seen the hollowness residing in me.

I wish she had.

xXx

* * *

She brought me a bento box.

I don't know what I did to deserve her kindness. Or was it pity? I decided I didn't care. I couldn't fix my lunch since I can only cook ramen and I am too poor to afford food from the cafeteria. I opened the box waiting for some sort of prank but it was food. Just food.

I ate it and it was delicious… the kind that melted into your mouth and its taste soaked into each and every cell of your body. When I finished, I thanked her. My voice wasn't more than a whisper, the result of not using it for a long time. She shot me a heartwarming smile.

A little part of me died some more.

How long before I lose her?

I heard her blushing and stuttering that she would bring me lunch next day also. I wish I could have stopped her because it was unfair. Her gentility was doing more damage to my heart but I didn't. I let her run happily down the stairs whilst I sat alone thinking how much more of it I could take.

It was first time that I cut myself.

That razor had been sitting on my bedside table for a long time. I was too afraid to pick it up. Every night before sleeping I would push it further away from my line of vision and every morning I would pull it back. This was a cycle until I finally gave in.

Her kindness was too much for my fragile heart.

I remember the blade slicing my wrist just short of cutting open an artery and it was _magic_. The frantic beating of my heart slowed down, the thrumming in my ears vanished to leave behind a sense of floating through air.

Blood trickled down my wrist onto the floor. I released a great breath and allowed my body to slide down to the ground and lull the quietness to bring me to sleep.

And it did.

xXx

* * *

A vicious cycle began.

Each morning and night, I pick up a razor and let it pierce my skin until it draws enough blood to obstruct the heavy strain of emotions that weighs me down. When the blood dries, I see the numerous scars that I inflicted upon my skin and somehow the sight of them is much more horrifying than the ones they give me. So, I promise myself to not do it again but as the day ends, my fingers itch to hold the blade and let it penetrate my skin to disguise the massive hurt that I tolerate in my body.

Thus, the cycle continues.

School's not much better. Not that I expect it to.

Hinata is till bringing me lunch. She has even taken to reserving a seat for me in class and the other day; I found her cleaning the graffiti from my locker. Students were pointing to her rudely but the shy girl kept on going with red covering her face. Silently, I went and took the rag from her hands.

 _"_ _You don't deserve this, Hinata-chan," I told her softly with a sad smile. Her gentle fingers wrapped over mine and when I cringed from the contact she squeezed my hand lightly._

 _"_ _Neither do you," she whispered._

I wonder if she knew the consequences of her actions. My flesh felt as if it was on fire. Her words coiled around my soul, pulling forth a conscience that I had buried long ago in the hidden recesses. A bright, cheerful and loud reminder of who I used to be.

 _"_ _I am Uzumaki Naruto, 'ttebayo!"_

 _"_ _I never give up!"_

 _"_ _Believe it!"_

Something inside me broke and I ran away from her.

I ran all the way to my apartment and collapsed onto my bed only to snatch the razor and slice my wrist until the mocking voices in my head stopped.

Uzumaki Naruto was dead.

In his place only a good-for-nothing piece of shit and worthless nobody remains.

xXx

* * *

She was on the roof next day with that same shy smile and the lunch-box. I walked to her because I had no where else to go. I can't enter the cafeteria without getting punched in the gut for it. She handed me the bento and dashed away, not waiting for my murmured thanks.

I shrugged and ate the food that is possibly the only good thing in my life. It took me only a few minutes to finish and then I was left to ponder over my pathetic uselessness in the world. Wind blew over my blonde locks, closing my eyes I laid on the concrete, struggling to control the sway of everything wrong with me.

I wanted it to end.

With a sudden determined decision, I made my way to the railing and prepared to end everything. Just a slip of foot and it would be all over. No more bullies, no more people who laughed at your life, no more sneers and no more pain.

No more.

But I couldn't move no matter how hard I willed my feet to move. I couldn't. I stood there for a good 45 minutes without moving an inch. One look at the lush green grass 30 feet below and I imagined a mangled, broken and bleeding Naruto lying there with haunting blue eyes and no sign of life in him. I froze.

With a melancholy astonishment, I came to the realization I wasn't only a loser…. I was a coward too.

xXx

* * *

Winter holidays came as a respite. I was left unbothered by my gang of tormentors but unlike before I didn't let the calm fool me. I was wary and tired but not letting my guard down for them to strike and just destroy whatever I have left.

School began and thus started the torture once again.

A new year.

New forms verbal abuse.

I wonder how much they can crush me this year.

Lunch break arrives and Hinata is there with that welcoming smile. She follows me, not paying attention to the glaring eyes and the scowling lips, happily bouncing like a child who has been offered their favorite candy.

We don't talk and she doesn't mind. She just sits there nervously, playing with her hands, staring at my face with a longing I am unable to understand. I ask her about it and she turns tomato red and stutters out a reply that doesn't make any sense.

 _"_ _Why are you my friend, Hinata-chan?" I questioned her at last. Her lilac eyes widened and a blush crept over her pale cheeks._

 _"_ _I-I-I lik-ke to be yo-your friend!" she said, so unlike her usual timid self. Her voice was full of determination and left no room for argument and at that moment I decided to let it unravel any way it wanted._

I have already informed her about the cons of being in my constant company and she said that she was capable of handling it. Despite my better judgments, I believe her. She is the cousin of Hyuga Neji. What can happen to her?

But things seldom go my way.

Only if I remembered that.

xXx

* * *

February 14 isn't a day I hate.

No, it is a day I like. Not because it's a day of love but because of a selfish reason. I rarely ever get a beating on this day. People are usually so enamored with their partner to pay attention to a lowly life like me. Why ruin their day by dirtying their hands when they can spend it by showering their loved one with gentle caresses? Why waste their voice cursing me when they are perfectly capable of making sweet promises to their lover?

It is a blissful day and I am not afraid to feel safe.

I was sitting in the class, tuning out the sweetened whispers of love when a gentle tug on my sleeve caught my attention. It was Hinata and she was holding out a package for me.

Unlike regularly, her face wasn't red.

 _Her eyes were shining with steely eyed determination as she said calmly, "I love you, Naruto-kun."_

I stiffened as several eyes turned to us. So many noises erupted in the background but I only saw her and her realness. I waited for a laugh or a snort from her announcing to the world that she had gotten one on the school freak too. But it never came.

And God, it scared me.

 _"_ _Naruto-kun?" her voice trembled slightly with fear._

Fear of what? Rejection?

I could see the tears forming in her eyes and it fucking killed me. Without wasting another minute, I grabbed the package from her hand.

 _"_ _Thank you."_

She beamed. I hadn't accepted her confession but she didn't mind.

And I was glad.

But now I wish I had.

xXx

* * *

Exams are approaching so I spend most of my time in the school library. Hinata, my friend, is always with me. She gifted me a diary which I haven't opened yet. Something always stops me. It's hidden in my room, waiting to be flicked open and written upon but I dare not.

Hinata seems different these days.

She is still shy and brings me lunch but the glint from her lavender eyes is fading. I asked her about it. She told me not to worry with a small smile. She said that she was getting frequent headaches due to stress. I asked her to take it easy with the studies.

She laughed and it was music to my ears, reviving me for those few moments.

I forgot what awaited me outside the four walls of the library when I was next to her. She managed to bear my silence and made it less suffocating. She was beginning to light up small corners of my dark world.

And I appreciated it.

I appreciate her.

I want to tell her how she is worming into my heart but my vocal cords fail me each time. Whenever I try and fail, she sends me a smile as if to say that she knows and it didn't matter if I said them out loud. She knows and it is fine. It's enough.

I have lessened the use of razor to once or twice every week. I do it only when the days become too much for me to handle.

I like it.

xXx

* * *

I noticed the small changes in Hinata gradually. She was becoming more and more subdued in class. She would always take the back seat and try to hide in the shadows as much as she could. But when she was alone with me, she seemed happy and content.

I asked her but she would always brush it off.

So I stopped asking.

xXx

* * *

It's been a month since school got out. I stay at my apartment mostly, reading old course books and writing occasionally to keep boredom at bay.

It was at 7 O'clock that someone knocked on my door. It was raining cats and dogs outside so I couldn't comprehend who was crazy enough to go out in this weather only to land me a few punches. It was Hinata and she was shivering. Before I could open my mouth, a letter was shoved onto my hand and she ran out to a limousine.

I shut the door when the limousine drove off, shocked out of my mind. With shaking hands, I tore open the envelope.

 _Hi, Naruto-kun._

 _How are you? It's such a silly thing to start a letter with, isn't it? It's annoying. It's clear as a day that you are not okay; that you are not right. I have always watched you, you know, from afar. Why? Because I admire you; every inch of you because you are what made me gather the courage to stand up._

 _You probably don't remember it but in kindergarten you saved me. Some kids were being really mean to me and I was crying increasing their contempt. You stood up for me. All I saw that day were bright blue eyes and sunshine hair…. A tiny God protecting me against evil. And I fell in love._

 _Years later, I saw you once again but you were no longer a God. You were a mortal brought down by the evil in people and it hurt to see you like that. It hurt like hell. I wanted to pull you into a hug and save you like you saved me. I befriended the God. I came alive._

 _Even though you were treated like a contagious disease, you were brave. Maybe not like the knight in shining armor brave but brave. I wish I had that kind of strength… You taught me another important lesson. Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's waking up to survive another day even when the world is against you. I fell in love again and I was happy. So happy._

 _And so proud._

 _I just want you to know, Naruto-kun, I am proud of you for living. For not giving up._

 _People are cruel and the world is scary but I believe in you, Naruto-kun. I always have. I always will._

 _With love,_

 _Hinata._

I broke down.

xXx

* * *

I woke up feeling dizzy and nauseous but lighter and more alive than I had ever felt in a year. I was buzzed pleasantly and felt like dancing and jumping on my bed which I did quite eagerly. I took a shower and ate a simple breakfast before checking out any important e-mail.

After reading the letter, I had wept until I could do no more. Her words warmed my heart, unlocking each lock, picking all the layers and throwing them into the waste bin. When the last one came off, something inside me snapped and I readied myself to fight to be worthy of her love.

She doesn't deserve me.

She deserves the 5 year old who had the guts to stand up for her. I will be that much brave and learn to stand up for myself and then protect her.

I had a message from school. It was several weeks old. I opened it up and immediately cringed. A photo of Hinata popped up. A nude photo with the words slut written underneath it. My eyes widened.

There was another message that had come only this morning. It was a notice regarding the death of Hyuga Hinata.

She committed suicide.

 _I wish I had that kind of strength._

No.

No.

She couldn't.

No.

No.

No.

I fell into blackness with tears streaming down my face.

xXx

* * *

"Hyuga Hinata was a gentle and kind person who had a loving family and lived a full and happy life. We all pray that she finds peace wherever she is," Kurenai sensei finished with a slight quiver in her voice. Her red eyes were glistening with unshed tears. I wonder what her relation to Hinata was. She never told me about her.

She didn't tell me anything.

She should have told me that she was being bullied because of me. Why didn't she? If she thought I was brave then why didn't she show me a sliver of trust? I had spent the entire week to answer these questions.

I have them now.

It's funny how the people who pushed her to death are standing in the sea of black, crying and yelling her good points as if they knew her all their miserable lives. It makes me sick. I want to puke on their expensive black attires and shriek the truth until their very soul feels the unending frustration that she must have felt.

"Would anyone else like to speak?" Iruka sensei asked the crowd. I raised my hand. I saw the surprise on his face. He nodded slowly. I made my way to the stage, getting stared down, climbed up the stairs and took the position at the dais.

Taking a deep breath, I faced them with clear blue eyes which had lost dullness and had seen enough to make heads or tail of life.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto. All of you remember me as the school punching bag," I began bluntly. "Hinata is my friend… best friend. I love her. I don't love her like they write it in fairytales. That sort of love is too unreal. What I feel is true and grateful. It is surreal… calm and beautiful." I drew a shaky breath. "In a place where I was invisible until someone needed to vent out their frustrations, she found me. She befriended me, had the courage to sit next to me, bring me bento every day and love me. Her devotions scared me. Why would someone have anything to do with the freak… the loser?"

"My world was a tiny dark space which she filled with light with her kindness. For that, I am grateful. She made me realize that I gave the right to the bullies to torture me. I have to fight for what I believe in. She cast a spell on my broken shell of a soul and it rejuvenated. I am grateful."

"I am sorry, Hinata," my voice cracked there and I had to push the tears back into the crevices of my eyes. "I am so sorry for not asking more questions, for not recognizing the signs. Your presence provided me an escape and I became greedy and selfish. I took what you gave me without caring a bit for what happened in your life. I am so sorry, Hinata… I am sorry for not being the God you fell in love with. I was meant to protect you but I failed. I am sorry." I wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my black shirt.

"I was to be your hero. Yet the one who got saved was me and you my savior. My angel… my best friend… my love. I wish I had told you sooner, Hinata. I love you. I love you so much." I paused to rear my emotions back into control and then sighed. "I spent last week wondering why you wouldn't tell me about what you were going through me. I was so angry… so upset. Then two days ago, the answer came to me. You knew that I was more broken. You didn't want to burden me with your problems. You wanted to save whatever was left of me by painting a smile on your face that hid the darkness that was eating you away."

"I am grateful." I looked at each of them in the eye. "You had more strength than all of the people here combined. Cowards who are too weak to face their problems, who crumble under the stress, who can't bear the fact that, they are worthless. Cowards who hurt others to gain at least the pretense of having an illusion that they are better than someone. Cowards who break someone for their own satisfaction… who push them into cutting, taking drugs, depression and in the end dying. You are above all of them, Hinata. You and I both. You know why? Because we are happy with whatever we have. We don't see the need to bring others down just because they don't believe in the same things as us. We let others be whoever they want to be. That is what makes us strong."

"You are gone and I hope your tormentors realize what they have done. They have killed a selfless and kind soul. I am going to be the man that you saw me as. I will carry your memory with me each second of my life until I become someone who can be trusted. Then I will let you go with a happy heart with white doves into the endless blue sky."

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto. No longer the school punching bag. I will stand up for what I believe in. Hinata is my best friend… my love…"

Silence greeted my speech. I paid no attention and left the auditorium with my head held high. At the gate, I heard someone calling my name.

"What do you need, Neji?" I asked coldly. His eyes widened for a minute and then he looked at the ground as if it was fascinating.

"I apologize."

"For treating me like shit?"

"Yes," he said quietly. "I didn't understand what we put you through until it happened to my cousin. You didn't deserve what we dealt you."

"No. Nobody does," I replied curtly.

"I promise to keep bullies at bay. They won't touch a hair on your skin. In the memory of my cousin, I will"-

"Just shut up," I yelled. "Shut up! You think I need your fucking pity? Guess what! I don't. And don't you dare dragging Hinata into this. You and your gang of friends killed her. I don't need any sort of apology from you. You disgust me. You think, a simple sorry will fix anything. It doesn't. It won't bring her back. It won't remove the pain I have gone through. So just don't dish out your fucking apologies in the hope of redemption." Tears of frustration piled into my eyes. "What did I ever do to you? What did she ever do to you? We were just living our lives but no, you had to go ahead and ruin everything because that's what you do," I spat angrily.

"She was my cousin," he said softly.

"Then why didn't you save her?"

"I didn't know," he answered.

"You didn't know?" I scoffed. "Don't lie, Neji. You lived in the same house as her and you never saw her crying alone? You never saw your friends mistreating her?"

"I am sorry."

There he went again with the sorrys. I shot him a pitiful glare before turning around and walk away. I was exhausted and emotionally spent.

The walk home was quiet and peaceful. The sky was a calm blue and the streets were filled with cheerful people who were smiling and laughing. I passed Ichiraku's ramen, my favorite ramen restaurant, fighting with my inner self to enter. It had been a year since I had gone there. I usually took the less crowded path home.

"Naruto!" Teuchi, Ichiraku's owner, called after me, a ladle in his hand and a big smile on his wrinkled face. "Come in, son. It's been a long time. I have got your favorite miso ramen ready. It's on the house."

"Thanks, old man!" I grinned brightly and entered, feeling light and determined to be who I used to be.

I hope you see me, Hinata.


End file.
